happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
