Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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