Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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