I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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