Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
