at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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