I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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