no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
sarcasm needs its own font
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
