I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
