tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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