my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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