I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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