1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
