I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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