I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
