I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
