Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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