The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
