i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
