I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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