Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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