She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
