She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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