Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
