So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
