3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
and she was petting her beer can
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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