By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
