I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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