And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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