I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
