First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
