I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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