oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
