yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
