I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
