I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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