How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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