Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
