we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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