Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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