I think my fart just growled at me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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