how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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