Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
