my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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