i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
