I just threw up on my dentist
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
