I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
