I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
