I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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