I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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