Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
