I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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