I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
