So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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