a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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