Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
