My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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