I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just tell him i said nine months
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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