I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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