Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize