this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Randomize
