she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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